MY MOM REVIEWS MY PHOTOS
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THE “BONG SHOW”
My Mom and Toby say…
FA LA LA LA LA, just like Miley Cyrus and her infamous video. Disney would love two furball mouseketeers.
4 Tobys. So about “The Homecoming”, your dad’s got enough junk around here for 48 days of Christmas. I think he’s been watching “The Hoarders”. His new kitchen setup is a row of standing grocery bags… one filled with canned soup, one with UTZ chips, one with Tostitos and more in the living room on chairs. I guess “Papa’s got a brand new bag”. Too young to remember that song. JAMES BROWN!!!
And I’d like to add…
Vicki’s facial expression is priceless in this one. How is it that she can be so damn good at acting and I always just look bewildered and confused? I know it sounds awesome but sometimes it’s not easy being married to such a rockstar talent as I’m often filled with strong feelings of jealousy and/or inadequacy.
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BEER PONG, ANYONE?
My Mom and Toby say…
Now we know how Santa got that belly that shakes like bowl of jello. Not potatotes, but dysfunctional ping pong balls, right?
5 TOBYS because “Tis the season”.So this weekend is the Almon family Christmas party. If Baby Landon is a guest, I will be recruited as the hand sanitizer “Nazi” before touching (Not politically incorrect, remember the “SOUP NAZI)?
Sharing: So Tanner’s dad has been home alone since Thanksgiving while I am in Virginia Beach. I will return tomorrow, and will probably find 12 Papa John’s boxes, 11 Domino’s boxes, 10 empty Budweisers, 9 stale Utz potato chips, 8 pounds of mail, 7 Subway bags, 6 Arby’s wrappers, 5 7-Eleven coffee cups, 4 unmatched socks, 3 notices from Fed-Ex to pick up pkgs, 2 unopened bills due a week ago, and 1 pair of underwear left in the drawer. (To the tune of the Partridge in a Pear Tree, yeah, yeah, yeah) And Tanner knows I’m not kidding.
Add to blog: And if I find 9 ladies dancing, I’ll KILL HIM!!!
And I’d like to add…
Actually, Vicki would like to add… “That’s pretty much the same thing I walk into every time I come home from work, except Tanner’s the only once dancing”.
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GOT MILK?
My Mom and Toby say…
So what are the prerequisites to appear in these ads anyway? Apparently they are not too selective.
5 Tobys because the new scenery is good, but not sure if those are chunks of “ice milk” or potatoes hanging from above. What happened to good, old fashioned mistletoe.
HOLY COW! Do you really think that Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and the Olsen twins REALLY drank MILK? Not unless it was fat free. Now the real men, I BELIEVE, drank REAL milk. Those men include Cal Ripken, Muhammed Ali, and EVERYBODY loves Raymond. Yep.
And I’d like to add…
Only on “Planet Pam”, I BELIEVE, would Raymond end up on the same list as Cal Ripken and Muhammed Ali.
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BEACHES AND CREME
My Mom and Toby say…
Please tell me you have been using Purell Hand Sanitizer.
4 Tobys. Oh yeah, forgot about your photo credits. Horizon is beautiful.
Please make this last handshake photo…remember Michelle Obama’s very politically incorrect handshake in Indonesia, they don’t touch women who are not in their family. American men should take a hint.
Weather Report: Snowing in Virginia Beach, Landon’s first snowfall, what a day.
And I’d like to add…
This is indeed the last of the “handshake” photos. This is a bit embarrassing to say but last week we accidentally superglued our hands together as we were making improvements to our time machine. Tonight we finally got the damn thing working and went back in time and murdered the inventor of glue (before he invented it). The good news is that our hands are no longer stuck together, the bad news is that a lot of our stuff has fallen apart. We sincerely apologize to anyone else out there who was using glue to hold their stuff together. If it helps we’d like to recommend tape as a potential replacement.
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HANDS ACROSS AMERICA
My Mom and Toby say…
This must be the short version of the 5.5 million people who joined hands from CA to NY in May, 1985 to raise money for the hungry.
5 Tobys - People I don’t want to be standing next to: Pee Wee Herman, Mad Max Gibson, Kathy Griffin, Joaquin Phoenix (pre Letterman), Mike Rowe, Bill O’ Reilly, Joan Rivers, Bruce Jenner (really creepy now), anyone with the last name initial of P in Alaska, Nancy Grace, Dr. Phil… and the list goes on and on, picky-picky.
P.S. Just so you all know Tanner’s dad still laughs at “Married With Children” reruns on Sunday mornings and has never seen “Modern Family”.
And I’d like to add…
Does anyone remember when my mom used to at least give a bit of an explanation for her “Toby Score”? I know it was never much of an explanation, but at least it was something. I used to get excited when a photo got “5 Tobys”, now I just feel kind of empty inside. I don’t need pity Tobys mom, if you don’t have anything nice to say about the photo then don’t give it any damn Tobys!!! I’d rather feel the pain of rejection that comes with 1 Toby than the way I feel now, which is numb to the pride and sense of accomplishment that should come with the accolades of the “5 Tobys”.
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“FORREST” GUMP
My Mom and Toby say…
You have many similarities to that guy. You show up at the strangest places and have met some very inquisitive folks along the way. “Stupid is as stupid does”, his mama told him, and I agree that LIFE is like a box of chocolates.
5 Tobys… Tom Hanks is BIG, one of the first videos our family watched when we got our very first color TV and VCR. Tanner’s dad wanted the kids to believe that material things were not important - just ask Tanner’s sister, Dustin, about the success of that lesson.
And I’d like to add…
My dad also wanted us to believe that buying and setting up the Christmas Tree was supposed to be anything but fun. The entire “Christmas Tree Experience” often culminated in everyone running for cover as my dad violently ripped and threw branches across the room in an effort to “level” the “God Damn” tree. I remember one branch in particular landed on the chandelier above our foyer and remained there for several months. I’m still not sure if my dad left it there out of pride or spite, either way, not a very Christmasy thing to do, that’s for sure.
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LONG GOODBYES
My Mom and Toby say…
How about cheek kissing like the Gotti’s or fist pumps like the Guido’s?
4 Tobys. This may be a rumor, but is Snooki being dropped enclosed in a ball at Times Square. Not to worry, she comes with a protective helmet and Tequila in hand. Remember George Costanza and the Bubble Boy. I haven’t been able to stay awake past 9:00 p.m. since 1990 so I’ll miss this major event, too.
And I’d like to add…
I find it pretty funny that my mom mentions Seinfeld every so often on this blog. I don’t think she liked the show so much as she liked the fact that it is one of the few things on this earth that has ever made my dad laugh. Seriously, hearing my dad laugh is a rare occurrence but back in the 90’s the man laughed hysterically for a half hour straight ever Thursday night. I miss those nights. The only other time I can remember him laughing was when he took me to see The Naked Gun when I was way too young to appreciate most of the jokes. RIP Leslie Neilsen, aside from the cast of Seinfeld you were the only guy ever to make my dad laugh… you will be missed.
